P-Noy’s Sona-ta

Balitang Kutsero
By Perry Diaz

ILLUSTRATION BY DAVE SAN PEDRO

My investigative reporter James Macaquecquec emailed me a draft of President Benigno “P-Noy” Aquino III’s 2011 State of the Nation Address (Sona).

James told me that the draft was leaked by an assistant of P-Noy’s scriptwriter, Mai-Mai. Remember her of Twitter fame or infamy?

But there’s a caveat – the document was not verified that it was indeed written by Mai-Mai.  Well, you be the judge.

The following is P-Noy’s draft Sona which seems to be more of a “State of the Nation Address – Tell All” or Sona-ta.  Here it is:

My dear shooting buddies, classmates, cronies, and my “boss” – the Filipino people.

P-Noy's 2010 Sona

And now that my first year has come to an end
I’m here to give you my report for the year-end
My friends I’ll say it clear
I’ll tell you all the things you’d want to hear.

It was a very exciting year
More than what I could bear
I traveled to many countries far and near
More than Gloria did in her first year.

Regrets I’ve had a few
But what the heck I’m just new
I did what I had to do
And learn as I go.

I thoroughly planned each junket
And budgeted it to save for my next junket
My only regret is that I could have traveled more
And beautiful chicks I could have met more.

I regret for not responding to the Luneta hostage fiasco
And I should have fired my shooting buddy Rico
It was his job to handle the murderous melee
But instead he chose to flee.

I regret for not getting involved in the Stradcom conflict
It made LTO administrator Virginia look like derelict
I should have fired my shooting buddy Virginia
Cuz’ she’s causing me headaches and hernia.

I regret for failing to free from China the Filipino drug mules
Convicted to death for violating their anti-drug trafficking rules
But to gain their freedom was too high a price to pay
Cuz’ trading the Spratlys for their freedom is out of the way.

And lastly, I regret buying a third-hand Porsche sports car
I enjoyed driving it around with my girlfriends near and far
But Juana Change lampooned me and my Porsche in a video hit
So I decided to sell it.

But what excites me more is meeting people
Especially women who are beautiful and noble
One of them would be the star
Who will be my bride to the altar.

I promise to do a good job in my second year
And promise that I’ll give you my ear
For there’s only one way that I can succeed
And that is to take your advice to accomplish my deed.

I made a lot of mistakes in my first year
Which I plan not to repeat in my second year
I’ll try to win my lost friends back
And work with them with a lot of tack.

I’ll try to keep the trust of my “boss” — the people
And I’ll work harder on the double
My goal is to make the people happy
And for me never again to be sloppy.

And to my critics I have this to say
You can attack me every hour of the day
But this I tell you: you can keep on ranting
Cuz’ you can’t dent my 64% approval rating.

Yes, there were times I’m sure you all knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But I faced you all
And I stood tall and I did it my way.

I made a lot of boo-boo
And my enemies call me a dodo
But they can say all they want to say
Cuz’ I always did it my way.

Yes, it was my way.

NOTE: I just heard from James that his source told him that P-Noy rejected the Sona-ta written by Mai-Mai and that P-Noy decided not to tell all and only give a narration of all the good things he did in his first year.

(PerryDiaz@gmail.com)

Seven Wonders of the Philippines

1. Banaue Rice Terraces

The Banaue Rice Terraces (Tagalog: Hagdan-hagdang Palayan ng Banawe) are 2000-year old terraces that were carved into the mountains of Ifugao in the Philippines by ancestors of the indigenous people. The Rice Terraces are commonly referred to by Filipinos as the “Eighth Wonder of the World“. It is commonly thought that the terraces were built with minimal equipment, largely by hand. The terraces are located approximately 1500 meters (5000 ft) above sea level and cover 10,360 square kilometers (about 4000 square miles) of mountainside. They are fed by an ancient irrigation system from the rainforests above the terraces. It is said that if the steps are put end to end it would encircle half the globe.

The Banaue Terraces are part of the Rice Terraces of the Philippine Cordilleras, ancient sprawling man-made structures from 2,000 to 6,000 years old. They are found in the provinces of Kalinga, Apayao, Benguet,Mountain Province and Ifugao, and are a UNESCO World Heritage Site.

2. Tubbataha Reef

Tubbataha Reef is anatoll coral reef located in the Sulu Sea of thePhilippines. It is a marine sanctuary protected as Tubbataha Reef National Marine Park. It is nominated at the New 7 Wonders of Nature.

Tubbataha is located in the Sulu Sea, 98nautical miles (181 km) southeast of Puerto Princesa City in the PalawanProvince. The reef is made up of two coral atolls divided by an eight-kilometer (5 miles) wide channel. The South Atoll, the smaller of the two is five kilometers in length and three kilometers in width; while the North Atoll, the larger of the two is 16 kilometers (10 miles) long and five kilometers (3 miles) wide.(Knipp 22) Each reef has a single small islet that protrudes from the water. The atolls are separated by a deep channel 8 km (5 miles) wide.

3. Chocolate Hills

The Chocolate Hillsare an unusual geological formation in Bohol, Philippines.According to the latest accurate survey done,^{[citation needed]}there are 1,776 hills spread over an area of more than 50 square kilometres (20 sq mi). They are covered in green grass that turns brown during the dry season, hence the name.

The Chocolate Hills are a famous tourist attraction of Bohol. They are featured in the provincial flag and seal to symbolize the abundance of natural attractions in the province. They are in the Philippine Tourism Authority’s list of tourist destinations in the Philippines; they have been declared the country’s 3rd National Geological Monument and proposed for inclusion in the UNESCO World Heritage List.

4. Taal Volcano

Taal Volcano is acomplex volcano on the island of Luzon in thePhilippines. It is situated between the towns of Talisay and San Nicolas in Batangas. It consists of an island in Lake Taal, which is situated within a caldera formed by an earlier, very powerful eruption. It is located about 50 km (31 Miles) from the capital, Manila. It is one of the active volcanoes in the Philippines, all part of the Pacific ring of fire.

5. Mayon Volcano

Mayon Volcano, also known as Mount Mayon, is an activestratovolcano in theprovince of Albay, in the Bicol Region, on the island of Luzon, in thePhilippines.

Renowned as the “perfect cone” because of its almost symmetrically conical shape, Mayon forms the northern boundary of Legazpi City. Local folklore refers to the volcano as Bulkang Magayon (Filipino: ‘Magayon Volcano’), after the legendary heroine Daragang Magayon(Bikol: ‘Lady Beautiful’).

On October 13, 2008 it was included in New 7 Wonders of Nature Top 10 list. However, it did not make the cut to the Top 25 finalists, giving way to thePuerto Princesa Subterranean River, another site in the Philippines.

6. Boracay

Boracay is an islandof the Philippines located approximately 315 km (200 miles) south of Manila and 2 km off the northwest tip of the island of Panay in the WesternVisayas region of thePhilippines. In 1990, it was voted by the BMW Tropical Beach Handbook as one of the best beaches in the world and again in 1996 by British publication TV Quick as the world’s number one tropical beach.

The island comprises the barangays of Manoc-Manoc, Balabag, and Yapak (3 of the 17 barangays which make up the municipality of Malay), and is under the administrative control of the Philippine Tourism Authority in coordination with the Provincial Government of Aklan.

7. Hundred Islands

The Hundred Islands National Park(Pangasinan: Kapulo-puloan or Taytay-Bakes) is in theprovince of Pangasinan in northern Philippines. It is located in Alaminos City,Pangasinan. The islands (124 at low tide and 123 at high tide) are scattered along Lingayen Gulf and cover an area of 18.44 square kilometres (4,557 acres). They are believed to be about two million years old. Only three of them have been developed for tourists: Governor Island, Quezon Island, and Children’s Island. The islands are actually ancient corals that extend well inland, in an area previously comprising the seabed of an ancient sea. Lowering sea levels have exposed them to the surface and the peculiar “mushroom”-like shapes of some of the islands have been caused by the eroding action of the ocean waves.