P-Noy’s Sona-ta

Balitang Kutsero
By Perry Diaz

ILLUSTRATION BY DAVE SAN PEDRO

My investigative reporter James Macaquecquec emailed me a draft of President Benigno “P-Noy” Aquino III’s 2011 State of the Nation Address (Sona).

James told me that the draft was leaked by an assistant of P-Noy’s scriptwriter, Mai-Mai. Remember her of Twitter fame or infamy?

But there’s a caveat – the document was not verified that it was indeed written by Mai-Mai.  Well, you be the judge.

The following is P-Noy’s draft Sona which seems to be more of a “State of the Nation Address – Tell All” or Sona-ta.  Here it is:

My dear shooting buddies, classmates, cronies, and my “boss” – the Filipino people.

P-Noy's 2010 Sona

And now that my first year has come to an end
I’m here to give you my report for the year-end
My friends I’ll say it clear
I’ll tell you all the things you’d want to hear.

It was a very exciting year
More than what I could bear
I traveled to many countries far and near
More than Gloria did in her first year.

Regrets I’ve had a few
But what the heck I’m just new
I did what I had to do
And learn as I go.

I thoroughly planned each junket
And budgeted it to save for my next junket
My only regret is that I could have traveled more
And beautiful chicks I could have met more.

I regret for not responding to the Luneta hostage fiasco
And I should have fired my shooting buddy Rico
It was his job to handle the murderous melee
But instead he chose to flee.

I regret for not getting involved in the Stradcom conflict
It made LTO administrator Virginia look like derelict
I should have fired my shooting buddy Virginia
Cuz’ she’s causing me headaches and hernia.

I regret for failing to free from China the Filipino drug mules
Convicted to death for violating their anti-drug trafficking rules
But to gain their freedom was too high a price to pay
Cuz’ trading the Spratlys for their freedom is out of the way.

And lastly, I regret buying a third-hand Porsche sports car
I enjoyed driving it around with my girlfriends near and far
But Juana Change lampooned me and my Porsche in a video hit
So I decided to sell it.

But what excites me more is meeting people
Especially women who are beautiful and noble
One of them would be the star
Who will be my bride to the altar.

I promise to do a good job in my second year
And promise that I’ll give you my ear
For there’s only one way that I can succeed
And that is to take your advice to accomplish my deed.

I made a lot of mistakes in my first year
Which I plan not to repeat in my second year
I’ll try to win my lost friends back
And work with them with a lot of tack.

I’ll try to keep the trust of my “boss” — the people
And I’ll work harder on the double
My goal is to make the people happy
And for me never again to be sloppy.

And to my critics I have this to say
You can attack me every hour of the day
But this I tell you: you can keep on ranting
Cuz’ you can’t dent my 64% approval rating.

Yes, there were times I’m sure you all knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But I faced you all
And I stood tall and I did it my way.

I made a lot of boo-boo
And my enemies call me a dodo
But they can say all they want to say
Cuz’ I always did it my way.

Yes, it was my way.

NOTE: I just heard from James that his source told him that P-Noy rejected the Sona-ta written by Mai-Mai and that P-Noy decided not to tell all and only give a narration of all the good things he did in his first year.

(PerryDiaz@gmail.com)